When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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