I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
