Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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