Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
