I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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