I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
