she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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