im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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