who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
