I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
