Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
