Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
