I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
