Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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