im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
