I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
