also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
