1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
