I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
