I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
