Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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