The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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