Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
