So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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