He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have tasted many bathrooms
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
