Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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