He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I die, sorry about rent.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
