My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
