new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
