first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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