happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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