my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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