Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
