mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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