hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
