why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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