whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
