just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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