if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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