Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
