Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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