i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
