I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're a waste of cheezeits
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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