And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
