I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
