You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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