You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
