You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
