Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
