is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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