I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
