life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
