Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
