i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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