I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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