No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
