i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's rum buckets o'clock
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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