I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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