so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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