Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize