My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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