I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
