i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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