Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
