Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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