hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
