last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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