Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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